To conceive or not to conceive...

That is the question.

Yes, that is the question that swirls around this brain of mine on a regular basis. For the record, we were NOT planning on having another child (at least biologically) after Gabrielle for various reasons...

#1 - I was pretty close to kicking the bucket at her birth
#2 -I hemorrhaged at both my children's births
#3 - I had threatened pre-term labor starting at 24 weeks with Samuel and was on strict bed rest
#4 - I had other absolutely crazy complications after Samuel's birth that in my wisdom I will not share on my blog. (If your dying to know then give me a call/email. I'd be happy to share)
#5 - I question whether my 35 year old body can handle more sleep deprivation. Let me tell you, it's been extreme.
#6 - Sometimes I wonder if I'm really cut out for more children. I can be severely type A at times.
#7 - We have a heart for adoption
#8 - I am not a homebody and I feel called to invest my life in a global manner.

We were so sure that we were not going to have any more babies that I sold ALL my baby stuff. If Gabby was done with it, it was out of here. I am so NOT a pack rat. We were so sure that we were not going to have any more babies that I began talking to my midwife about sterilization procedures. I remember feeling that if I was surprised with a pregnancy that I would be devastated. And then that's when it happened...

Everything became sacred. Every milestone Gabrielle reached became her first and my last. I became overly sentimental about a lot of things - like nursing and labor. I LOVE nursing and I can't imagine that she could be the last baby I get to nourish. Pregnancy and labor to me are such an amazing expression of who God created me to be as a woman - the good, the bad and the ugly! And Gabrielle - every time I smell the sweetness of strawberries on her breath, I want to bottle it. Every time she giggles, I want to record it. Is there anyway to take the softness of her skin and reproduce it? No! Babies are pure love!

And then it happened...







my period was 3 days late. My period is NEVER late...






And I was excited! Soooooooo excited!







And then I got my period.

Now, I am terribly confused about my emotions. Courtney says it's hormones. Our family thinks we would be out of our minds to have another baby. The lady at the amusement park says that I'll know for SURE when I'm done and that the mayhem of family life with lots of young children is totally worth it. A minister preached about the blessings of his very large family. My midwife said that just because I had 2 hemorrhages does not necessarily mean I'll have a third. I'm getting involved in an overseas project this fall. It's all rather schizophrenic right now if I might say so.

So, I will wait.

Maybe God is leaving room in our hearts for children that our not ours by nature. Maybe a mother's heart is what I need to do what God has called me to. Maybe I am to channel this affection more deeply with my children. Maybe God will surprise me.

Maybe...

Random Picture Challenge

So it's Saturday Random Picture Challenge. This is my photo from September 2007, 11th picture. Not all that interesting, huh? But boy does it bring back memories. I was in the middle of my first trimester with Gabrielle and I was feeling absolutely AWFUL!!!

I decided to take some photos of my house and how absolutely disgusting it had become during that time. (For those of you who don't know me, I am a total neat freak). I know this photo is no big deal - just a few dirty dishes. It's the Saltines on the counter that tell the story.

What was he thinking?

If you've known me for awhile, you would know that I never had a sweet tooth until I got pregnant. Yup - it's true. I didn't like chocolate and I'd rather eat vegetables over cake any day. I never had cookies in my house and I certainly didn't make them myself.

Well folks, those days are long over. And it all began with milk's most favorite cookie - the one and only O-R-E-O!!! I had a serious Oreo addiction while pregnant with Samuel. Tim had to monitor the number of cookies I ate each day (not to mention the mini packets of M&M's left over from Halloween - but that's another story). Anyway, while pregnant I enjoyed every minute of the chocolaty crunch and creamy filling OREO's have to offer.

The love affair had to come to an end - after all, we TRY not to eat refined sugar in our house and I was breaking all the rules...

Until I sent Tim to the store.

What was he thinking bringing Oreo's back into my life? I've been clean for 3.5 years but I'm still weak and I have no self-control. And don't you know that the moment I was left alone with those Oreo's, I ate 6 in one sitting BEFORE my lunch. And I won't tell you how many more I ate after lunch.

You guess...

Finally!

Well I'm writing from my hospital room. We finally got admitted this morning and will be induced very shortly. I appreciate you prayers as this is so different than going into labor on your own. I am a bit nervous and also excited to meet our baby girl. Will keep you posted! Blessings to all of you and thanks for all your encouragement!!!

Oh and we happen to be in the same room that we had Samuel in!!!

It's gotta be soon.

So, my prayer was that I didn't have to make any hard decisions about induction, right??? Well, I made a plan and figured I'd put it in God's hands. We were supposed to go in for an induction this morning but no beds. So, they you keep calling back every 3 hours to see if a bed is open. Not today!!! So, here I am pregnant still and will repeat the process tomorrow. I am hoping that the desires of my heart will be answered and I'll go into labor over the next day without any medical assistance. I am trying to find the humor in the whole thing. Maybe she will truly have her daddy's temperament. (This can be a very good thing when we hit the teenage years) He came 3 weeks late with a castor oil induction and to this day is never in a rush to do anything or go anywhere.

No birthday present yet...Big decisions

Well she decided that it would be no fun to share her birthday with her mother. Can you blame her??? Contractions petered out and the day has gone on. I am still having much stronger contractions but they just don't pattern. I still can't believe this little girl has stayed in so long.

I had an appointment with my midwife today and we've decided to set an induction date for this Thursday. I've already tried some natural induction methods which obviously have not worked. So, I am accepting that this might be the plan. Baby's got 48 hours to decide. I basically chose Thursday based on the midwife that is on call that day. I really like her approach to things and felt a lot of peace while chatting with her. Hopefully there will be a room available for me Thursday morning. If not, then I will have to wait until there is room for me, which could be Friday or even later. Friday I will be 14 days over my due date.

I really have struggled with the entire induction situation since I truly desire a natural, unmedicated birth. Honestly, the more time goes by, the harder this pregnancy becomes on the whole family, our finances and other such things. Plus, things get a little sketchy for a baby that goes over 42 weeks gestation. So I am accepting that induction might be in the cards and I actually feel better that we have a plan. I feel God's peace over the whole thing.

So now I am praying that baby will come on her own in the next day and a half and my body will do naturally what it has done once before. If induction becomes the last resort, then I will need wisdom on the approach. My cervix is very ripe and ready to go, so they don't think it will take much. Baby was at 0 station today so she is low but she has been a dipper. Dipping down into my pelvis and then coming back up. This is typically of second pregnancies. If she stays down in my pelvis, they can just break my water and chances are labor will ensue quickly. She would have to be down in my pelvis in order to not take the risk of a prolapsed cord. My midwife feels things would move along rather fast and I would not have to be on a constant fetal monitor. However, there is something to be said about keeping that bag of waters intact - protects the baby from stress, infection and helps the baby get into position. The other option is to start a Pitocin drip. My midwife said she thinks it would just take a little pitocin and my body would kick in on it's own and then they could back it down. They have a portable fetal monitor so I could still have mobility and go into a bath tub. It is rare that women are able to endure contractions with Pitocin so epidurals are the norm. However, my midwife thinks I would need so little pitocin that I could possibly still have an unmedicated birth this way. This is a tough decision for me and I'm hoping I don't have to make it myself. Any thoughts???

Birthday Present???

I have been having some good contractions since 3am. It is now 6am. I am hopeful that we may be on our way to having a baby today. And today just happens to be my 34th birthday. Do you think she was waiting this long just to give me a spectacular birthday present??? What a sweet baby. Please pray that today is the day!

Keeping me going...

Well, I had my non-stress-test yesterday and all is well as I predicted. They also did an ultrasound to make sure my amniotic fluid levels were good, which they are. They measured her up to get an approximate size and came up with 9lb 3oz. And then they surprised me with 4-D real time viewing of my little girl. Instant tears!!! And of course, she looks like Tim!!!! Anyway, it made me want to see her even more and at the same time gave me a little bit to keep on going... tomorrow will be 9 days past my due date.

Still Waiting...

Still pregnant here. Boy are things different this time around. Who would have thought??? I am officially 1 week past my due date and the impatience is growing again. I just can't wait to meet this sweet little girl in my belly. I have no signs that labor might start soon or at least none that I am familiar with. I will go today to have my amniotic fluid levels measured and have a non stress test. I'm sure all is well but it's routine at this point to check the functioning of the placenta. I am certain that my due date is accurate b/c I had to have an ultrasound at 6 weeks to check the viability of my pregnancy due to bleeding. Ultrasounds that early in pregnancy are usually right on the money. The ultrasound technician also came up with a May 9th due date. Thankfully my midwifery group is rather conservative when it comes to going over a due date. They really want your body to do things naturally and so do I! I must admit at times I am tempted to give in to something - like having my membranes stripped - so we can get on with things. But my convictions about natural childbirth take over and I continue to wait. If I am still pregnant in another 5-7 days then I might have to make some hard decisions regarding to induce or not. Tim and I were both 3 weeks late and we were both fine. He was a 11 lb baby and his mom still delivered him naturally. Applause!!!

Have any of you gone way over your due date? I'd love to here your story.

Acceptance

A few weeks ago our house was a swirl with way too many things to do. Tim was working more hours than ever before in preparation for baby. A scientist rarely works a 9-5 job ya know. Needless to say, on days that he runs experiments, he will often be out of the house for 15+ hours. He had meetings and talks and all sorts of things taking up his precious time. He was flat out exhausted and a bit cranky if I must admit. For those of you who know Tim, you would agree that "Mr. Steady Eddy," "Mr. Everything is Just Fine," "Mr. My Blood Pressure Never Gets Above 100/70" is rarely cranky. I knew he was beyond stressed and totally exhausted. I was concerned how he would weather the arrival of a newborn amidst the stress. Where would my rock be when I needed him most?

I was working far more than a 9 month pregnant lady should have been. It's a money thing if ya know what I mean. I'm doing what I can to help our family while Tim finishes his PhD and bridge the gap for a maternity leave. The pressure was on and did I mention, I work well under pressure? Even though I have a business in my home, I still must go out to make sales. And that I did. My April sales were something to brag about. However, I was pretty cranky too. Tim was walking on egg shells in fear that I would take his head off for putting the mayo on the wrong shelf in the refrigerator. I wondered in my current state how was I ever going to endure labor and be a good Mommy to both my children when I knew that sleep would be even less abundant after baby's arrival?

So here I am 4 days after my due date. No big deal right? Well because Samuel came 2 weeks early I was prepared for the same this time. So here I've been waiting around for over 2 weeks with no baby in my arms. Impatience got the best of me and so did the misery of my cramped stomach. Irritability took over and so did the tears. I think I've cried every day for the past 2 weeks.

Until today...

Today was a new day. A day of revelation and gratitude. Today, God's voice was louder than my own. Today I realized that in the past 2 1/2 weeks of "waiting," I have spent more time with my husband than in the last 2 months combined. We've actually sat up for hours at night talking, sorting out child rearing issues, watching our little girl roll around in my tummy, pondering the upcoming life changes, laughing and connecting. It has been amazing! Tim has had some very precious time with Samuel and the response is great. We've implemented a few changes at bedtime and created a sticker chart for sleeping all night in his bed and lo and behold it is working. Our son who was up 2,3,4 times at night has been sleeping once again through the night. And his attitude during the day has been a thousand times better. He has been such a delight! So today I accepted the "inconvenience" of still being pregnant and felt my heart well up with gratitude to God for allowing me this precious time with my family. We are now rested, connected, content and prepared for this new season.

An ode to myself

Happy Due Date to me!
Happy Due Date to me!
Happy Due Date to me-e!
Happy Due Date to me!

How big are you now?
How big are you now?
How big are you no-ow?
How big are you now?

Your big like a house!
Your big like a house!
Your big like a hou-ouse!
Your big like a house!

Because I delivered Samuel 2 weeks early, I've never had the not-so-pleasant experience of having my stomach mashed into a little ball, feeling sick to my stomach after every meal and having to pee 5x a night. (My midwife guestimated baby's weight this past Tuesday at 8 1/2 - 9lbs already) So, its time for her to make her appearance anytime now. Today I am having a rough day. Perhaps tomorrow will be better!

Wordless Wednesday - Still Pregnant!!!

Special Connection

This post is in response to my friend Sarah's post from today. I had to put up something on my blog once I read her post and smiled so big! Please go check her post out.

Sarah and I have a unique connection when it comes to the timing of our pregnancies. It started back 4 years ago when we were doing youth ministry together and we happened to get pregnant at the same time. Our due dates were only 1 week apart (Sarah's being first). We walked together, exercised together, shared pregnancy woes together. We even went to Bradley child birthing classes together with our husbands. We had a lot of laughs during the relaxation time when we were supposed to be practicing labor techniques. Instead we were like little kids giggling when the rest of the room was serious.

Samuel wound up arriving 11 days early and her daughter came late. So now they share a birthday a week apart just in the opposite way predicted. Unfortunately, Sarah and crew moved across the country and we do not have an opportunity to see each other regularly.


When I found out I was pregnant the second time around, I gave her a call and told her. I heard silence, then "so am I." This time our due dates are even closer - Sarah is May 8th and mine is May 9th. CAN YOU SAY WEIRD??? We never even spoke over the phone about trying to get pregnant and here we were once again. Do you think our husband's were talking?



If that isn't weird enough, a few months ago we were chatting and realized that we had chosen the same name for our soon-to-be-born little girls. CAN YOU SAY BIZARRE? (Be patient, you'll find out the name soon if you don't already know. ) I don't think it gets any stranger than that. And so, we have this special connection. Our children will always have friends from the womb and we will always have had the pleasure and blessing of sharing pregnancy and child rearing together!

Wordless Wednesday With a Twist - Self Portrait

"I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14

This is the first time I've been able (or remembered thanks to Courtney) to participate in Wordless Wednesday With a Twist sponsored by American Mum. This one was easy - just sit in front of the computer and let iphoto booth do the work. I thought it would be fun to turn myself into a work of art, so here a few pictures of me in colored pencil, as a thermal camera shot and as pop art. Head over there and take a glimpse of some very beautiful women!!!

5 Positive Thoughts for Today

1) I am officially on maternity leave (or as official as it can be for running a business out of your home). I deserve to sit on my butt and eat bon bon's right? Haha. I'll have to check with Samuel on that one.

2) I am 38 1/2 weeks pregnant and I made it through this one without bed rest & other such complications. God is so good!!! Although, right now I wouldn't mind some bed rest!!!

3) Tim's schedule has finally calmed down. I like hanging out with my hubby! And tonight is Idol!!!

4) I am as ready as I can be for d-day. The nesting urge has been out of control and therefore the house is clean, the cabinets full, gas in the car, baby stuff organized, bags packed, etc.

5) I am starting to get stronger contractions. Samuel was born 11 days early so I was spoiled in that I never had to wait for labor. I am hoping that this little girl will follow somewhat in her brother's foot steps and be on the early side and not the late side. However, I am resigning to the fact that she can stay in as long as she needs to be healthy and happy.

A Mystery Solved

Little Andy got the courage to ask me his question "What's in there?"

"A baby" I told him and waited for a response.

No response. He just stared at the big bowling ball of a belly protruding from my body.

"Do you want to touch it?" I asked him.

His little hand reached out and patted my belly for a split second and off he went on the playground.

It's amazing how some days a simple answer can satisfy a 3 year old and some days they can't stop asking questions. I guess the slide was much more exciting than my belly.

It May Be the Last Time

This may be the last time I find myself in this glorious state of pregnancy. Tim and I really have a heart to adopt children. So, we'll see what the future holds. I thought it would be wise to get some creative pregnant photos done while I had the chance. So, I decided I would post a few of them here, the rest will remain in the privacy of our home for obvious reasons. I'm extending myself a bit beyond my comfort zone by posting these on the internet. I thought they came out great and truly capture the beauty of pregnancy. So here it goes...

Many thanks to Amanda for taking the pictures. She did a wonderful job!!!

What a good man...

It's been tough lately. Long hours at work (and I mean long, like 12-16 hour days) trying to get things squared away before baby arrives. A PhD hanging in the balance. The more he gets done, the faster we'll be done with this phase of life. An upcoming out-of-state interview for a post-doctoral position. Needless to say I've not seen much of my husband lately. Samuel's sleep has been questionable and I'm 35 weeks pregnant.

Am I tired? You bet!
Am I a bit lonely? You bet!
Am I running out of steam? You bet!
Have I talked Courtney's ear off? You bet!

In walks my husband 3 hours late last night with a rose, a York Peppermint Patty and some biscotti to eat with our decaf coffee while watching American Idol. His first words were, "I really missed you today." And I knew he meant it!

What a good man!

Oh my gosh - there's a baby in there!

Well here it is folks...the almost 32 week pregnant belly shot. What do you think, average? bigger than normal? cute as a button? Come on now, I need some good encouragement as I am beginning to feel like a house and I have 8 weeks left to go. I've got a very annoying burning sensation around my ribs that no position can remedy and shaving has become more than a chore. I've even grown out of several of my maternity clothes that I swore I was able to wear for much longer with my first. It's hard to believe this baby will more than double in size over the remainder of my pregnancy. Samuel really likes to rub my belly and for some reason he thinks it's funny to lick my belly button. Silly boy! He's not so sure what to do when he feels the baby move. Well, here's to stretching and more stretching...

Long Time, No Post!

That's why I named this blog "The Not So Daily Chronicles." Knowing myself all too well, I predicted that that my entries would be somewhat sporadic and often missing for lengthy periods of time. Anyway, I'm finally posting after 2 weeks.... for those of you who are still reading!

Life has been a bit crazy here. Tim has been exceptionally busy with work/school. He had an out-of-state interview for a post-doctoral position which went very well. He had a few research talks to prepare and has been conducting experiments in hopes that his committee will give him the OK to begin writing his thesis soon. For those of you who don't know us, Tim is in his 6th year of graduate school and is hoping to complete his PhD in Biomedical Science (specifically Immunology) by next fall. It has been a long and exhausting road and we are more than ready for a change!

I have been in extreme nesting mode. We are in the final countdown now - according to my due date, that would be 9 weeks from Friday. Samuel came 2 weeks early so we'll be prepared just in case. With Samuel I was on modified rest or bed rest from 24 weeks on. I have what you call an irritable uterus. It just contracts all the time and threatens pre-term labor. Well, I told that uterus that if she wanted to have another baby she would have to cooperate!! And she has so far - Praise to God! However, she's been a bit cranky over the past week. I'm trying to drink a lot of water and pay attention to any warning signs. I covet your prayers during these last few weeks!

Tim and I finally had a date last night and it was lovely thanks to a friend of mine who adores Samuel and wants to bless us. She came over with her husband and occupied our little guy while Tim and I enjoyed a few sweet treats at Borders. We poured over baby name books to come up with a middle name for a our little girl. We narrowed it down to 2. Her first name was decided on about a month or 2 ago and if you talk to me in person, I'll tell you but I'm not going to post it yet! Sarah, you should be laughing right now if Jordan filled you in on just how much we have in common with this pregnancy!!! We'll have to share a laugh over the phone!

And lastly, we enjoyed a wonderful visit from my mother this past weekend! She was so great with Samuel and gave this tired, pregnant mom a good break!!! I thought these pictures were just the sweetest of the two of them!!! We love you Mom!