To conceive or not to conceive...

That is the question.

Yes, that is the question that swirls around this brain of mine on a regular basis. For the record, we were NOT planning on having another child (at least biologically) after Gabrielle for various reasons...

#1 - I was pretty close to kicking the bucket at her birth
#2 -I hemorrhaged at both my children's births
#3 - I had threatened pre-term labor starting at 24 weeks with Samuel and was on strict bed rest
#4 - I had other absolutely crazy complications after Samuel's birth that in my wisdom I will not share on my blog. (If your dying to know then give me a call/email. I'd be happy to share)
#5 - I question whether my 35 year old body can handle more sleep deprivation. Let me tell you, it's been extreme.
#6 - Sometimes I wonder if I'm really cut out for more children. I can be severely type A at times.
#7 - We have a heart for adoption
#8 - I am not a homebody and I feel called to invest my life in a global manner.

We were so sure that we were not going to have any more babies that I sold ALL my baby stuff. If Gabby was done with it, it was out of here. I am so NOT a pack rat. We were so sure that we were not going to have any more babies that I began talking to my midwife about sterilization procedures. I remember feeling that if I was surprised with a pregnancy that I would be devastated. And then that's when it happened...

Everything became sacred. Every milestone Gabrielle reached became her first and my last. I became overly sentimental about a lot of things - like nursing and labor. I LOVE nursing and I can't imagine that she could be the last baby I get to nourish. Pregnancy and labor to me are such an amazing expression of who God created me to be as a woman - the good, the bad and the ugly! And Gabrielle - every time I smell the sweetness of strawberries on her breath, I want to bottle it. Every time she giggles, I want to record it. Is there anyway to take the softness of her skin and reproduce it? No! Babies are pure love!

And then it happened...







my period was 3 days late. My period is NEVER late...






And I was excited! Soooooooo excited!







And then I got my period.

Now, I am terribly confused about my emotions. Courtney says it's hormones. Our family thinks we would be out of our minds to have another baby. The lady at the amusement park says that I'll know for SURE when I'm done and that the mayhem of family life with lots of young children is totally worth it. A minister preached about the blessings of his very large family. My midwife said that just because I had 2 hemorrhages does not necessarily mean I'll have a third. I'm getting involved in an overseas project this fall. It's all rather schizophrenic right now if I might say so.

So, I will wait.

Maybe God is leaving room in our hearts for children that our not ours by nature. Maybe a mother's heart is what I need to do what God has called me to. Maybe I am to channel this affection more deeply with my children. Maybe God will surprise me.

Maybe...