Help Wanted

Personal Assistant to sleep deprived, absented minded Stay at Home Mom. Must be able to use a pen and write in a planner. Should be able to communicate such appointments to SAHM so she looks like she has it all together. Must be able to make sure SAHM is showered with teeth brushed and bra on for such appointments. Must be willing to clean up poop on occasion. Please call by yesterday for interview.

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So tell me where did all my brain cells go?

Of course, right here...

And here.

And for those of you who knew me in college, don't answer that question!

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Last Monday, hubby was working a 13 hour day. It was bedtime and I had Samuel occupied on the computer while I put Gabby Girl to bed at 7pm. All was going well until...

I heard this as I came down the stairs, "Mom, look! I can wipe all by myself!" I peered into the bathroom and to my dismay there was poop just about everywhere but in the toilet. I will spare you the details and just quietly mention that someone had an accident and was now trying to be a big boy. I kept my cool and told him that accidents happen when we don't STOP whatever we are doing to use the toilet.

So now there were a ton of groceries on my counter to be put away, the sink was piled a mile high with dirty dishes, toys strewn throughout the living room, and now I had to add in the glorious task of poop clean up. Well thankfully I had not yet showered for the day...phew!

Tim entered around 7:25 just as I was finishing Samuel's bath. Being the good husband that he is, he commented on the stench that permeated the house and then entered right in on the poop clean up!

At promptly 7:30, the doorbell rang. I looked at Tim in surprise because our doorbell never rings. Tim opened the door a crack and lo and behold it was our financial planner/insurance guy holding up his end of the appointment I made about a month prior.

"Bernie, you can't come in!" I said, as the smell knocked him off his feet. Well not literally, but it must have gotten to him a bit since he offered to come back in a half-hour. What a good guy. Upon his return he so kindly let me know that indeed the house no longer smelled like poop.

NOW... if I had my very own Personal Assistant, the story might have ended like this...

"Don't worry Michelle, I'll clean the poop up while you put some make up on and get ready for your appointment" my assistant said. So I got dressed and boy was I looking good for my husband's arrival from work. I also had time to pick up the house a bit and put out some cheese and crackers (that my assistant prepared in advance) on the table.

Tim showed up at 7:25. I greeted him with a smile and kiss. Samuel was already dressed in PJ's and now set up with a movie and popcorn on the couch.

At promptly 7:30, the doorbell rang. "Tim can you grab the door, Bernie's here!" Bernie came in, remarked how nice the house smelled and asked what scent the candle was. We all sat down and had a lovely and productive visit!

Isn't daydreaming fun?

Actually sometimes, it's sanity!!!

Another potty training tale

Warning: This is a real life post!

So, you're sick of the poop talk, huh?

I'm sorry. Well, not really. I've got to talk to someone about it.

The other night I was home alone with the 2 kids. I was putting Gabrielle down for the night. In order to keep my curious Samuel out of trouble, I set him up at the computer. This usually keeps him focused for at least 15 minutes.

Well not that night, because duty called...
I mean doody called.

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Samuel (standing naked in the living room holding his pull up by the tips of his fingers): Mommy, I pooped in my pull-up. oops! I put it in the potty.

Me: You did what? (As I saw the brown spots on his leg and the carpet)

Samuel (smiling so proud): I put my poopy in the potty mommy!

Me: Why yes you did! (as I carried all 35 lbs of him out in front of me stepping over the landmines on my carpet)

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Yes, there was poop on my son, poop on my carpet ( 5 spots to be exact), poop on my toilet. There was poop everywhere! I scrubbed, disinfected, showered the boy and put him to bed.

This morning was a brand new day. I was putting the incident behind me. I made some tea, straightened up and decided to open the blinds to let some glorious sunshine in. And GASP, what did I see on my carpet...

FIVE LARGE BLUE STAINS!!

Apparently Spot Shot carpet cleaner works so well, it pulled the dye right out of the blue rag I was using and deposited it directly on my carpet. Right on the same carpet that I just paid good money to have professionally cleaned.

And to top it off, the woman who is putting a purchase offer on my mobile home was coming over this morning to give me her deposit. (Oh, yeah, I've neglected to tell you we are moving into a townhouse in 8 days - oops!) My exersaucer never looked so good smack in the middle of my living room. She didn't notice a thing.

A Potty Training Tale

Warning: This is a Real Life post

Scene 1
Tim and Samuel playing tackle football in our living room.

Tim: Did we have a poop situation go on here? (holding his pointer finger out in the air with a brown blob on the end)

Michelle: What do you mean?

Tim: Well, what's this? (As he gives it a whiff)

Michelle: Yeah, he did a poopy in his pants before but I cleaned it all up. Maybe, he pooped some more and it fell out of the leg of his pants.

Tim: Oh great, we've been rolling around in it. (Pointing to the small brown stain on the carpet)

Scene 2:
Michelle is cleaning Samuel up for a second time.

Michelle: Lay down here buddy, so I can wipe you clean.

Samuel: Do I have poopy in my heiney mom?

Michelle: Yes, don't touch.

Samuel: Oh Okay (As he puts his finger on his rear and then wipes it on his shirt)

Can you say EEEEWWW?!?!

Comedy or Tragedy???

Warning: This is a Real Life post!

Yesterday. Oh yesterday. How I wish I could forget yesterday. But I must tell you about it first!

You would've been proud of me. Despite the chaos, I totally kept it together. No complaining, flipping out, binge cookie eating (I'm doing that right now), or driving away to an unknown destination never to return! There was certain war between the spirit and the flesh, but the spirit triumphed!!!

So, let's start with midnight... we were sleeping peacefully after a short middle of the night visit from Samuel.

As the night progressed, Gabrielle nursed one too many times, as usual. Not a growth spurt, just a really bad pattern we've gotten into and I've been to chicken to break it. Totally my fault. Anyway, that's another post for another day.

Samuel got up at 4:40 AM and did NOT go back to bed despite Tim's best efforts. Who gets up at that hour??? The only people up at that hour are those crazy "I need to jog 3 miles, do yoga, and clean my house before work" people. We are no such people in this house. Now let me tell you, Samuel was a totally crankster the entire morning. Just existing seemed to frustrate him. This was not a good day for a family rendition of "This is the Day."

Yesterday was Samuel's first day at a new home day care. He goes two mornings a week. It could have gone one of two ways. He'd either be distracted right out of his overtired state or Miss Mary Kay might be wondering what she got herself into. Not a good day for first impressions. So, I put my clothes on from the day before and took Mr. Crankerton to day care.

Got back home, put Gabrielle down for a nap. Can you sing the Hallelujah chorus with me? Wait, not too fast! My little buttercup only slept for 20 minutes and I could not get her back to sleep. Now I had crankster #2 on my hands.

Good news! Samuel did great at Miss Mary Kay's house. It was getting him home and in bed for an early nap that was the trouble. I basically spent the next several hours either trying to put children to sleep or keep them sleeping. I think I had to lay down with my daughter 6 times yesterday to accomplish 3 hours of napping.

Time to make dinner. My master plan was to put Samuel on the computer and Gabrielle in her bouncer. That's when tragedy struck. The Playhouse Disney and Sesame Street sites were not working! WHAT??? How could they not work??? Don't they know that my sanity was on the line. So, I called the cable company pronto!

I spoke with a very patient man. And I mean VERY patient (3 month old + 3 year old + phone conversation = chaos). He walked me through a few steps and then refreshed my modem. Uh oh!!! No modem, no phone! My cable friend was gone just like that. Now what? Determination set in despite a crying baby and my son who was into who knows what. I preceded to plug and unplug many cords until everything was working. YES!!!

Dinner happened.

It was the post dinner events that trumped the rest of the day.

I saw the look on Samuel's face. The "I'm about to poop" look. If your a mom, you know this look well. Samuel has not been interested in potty training but tonight he complied! Woohoo! Off we went to the bathroom and we sat and sat and sat and nothing! I left the bathroom for no more than 30 seconds and upon my return, poop happened! Yes, poop happened alright but not on the potty. There was poop on the floor, on his hand and his face. I think he tried to clean it up.

I disinfected almost everything but the ceiling and sent Samuel off diaperless for a brief moment. Apparently he was not finished pooping and he didn't quite make it back to the bathroom in time. I heard an "oops" and that was it. Another round of disinfecting began.

And so the day finally ended around 9pm. The kids were finally sleeping in their beds. I, still in my clothes from the day before, decided it was time for a shower. A very LONG shower! You can sing the Hallelujah chorus with me now.

I survived yet another day in my real life!

A little manly humor

I shouted from the back room, "Hey Tim, are you giving Samuel a sponge bath?"

He replies, "Sure am."

Then Samuel chimes in. "Hey Mommy, my tet-sicles are clean!"